An Angry Shadow
How is this shadow arising? I ask to understand.
Is it a historical belief that it has worked in the past? It is just what I know I guess. I know that I get what I want because I have a demanding presences. Sometimes conscious, other times unconscious. But I can demand it in a much different way. I can use compassion, right?
WHY IS IT SO HARD? Again, I ask to understand.
Being pleased by someone else’s problems is vicious and never solves the actual problem. Yet it is normalized. Our friends, family, peers, encourage the victim role to support us, especially if we decided to act in retaliation. Oh toxicity… how you spread so wildly!
It’s really only ever as hard as we make it. It is all perception. It just doesn’t feel that way when you are working to transmute knee jerk reactions from the shadows that you don’t agree with but they are there.
There is this very crucial, early on point of acknowledging and loving your shadows rather than damning and hiding them. Once you are here it feels like the rest will be easy. But damn it, old habits die hard (all perception tho, lets not forget)! We must love them along with the idea that they are “hard” to transmute. We can not work with our shadows if we do not love every ounce and aspect of them.
A step in the other direction is still a step forward.
Personally, smiling is the first step. Knowing and trusting in the truth is next. Today what I know is that I don’t want his pity. Not anymore. I also know that I can walk away from some situations that I cannot control. Every situation is different some you can depart from, others you can not… but the shadows are always the same. This allows us to pick our battles. You always have this choice. Remember, however, the shadows will always be there waiting… the “hard” way may also be the only way. Now you see, a different perspective is upon us.
Elaborate
I can not get him to understand my point of view. I feel powerless. I accept that. I hear his point of view. I understand his feelings, but I am leaving for my self. My responsibility is to my own feelings. I’ll leave this environment because right now the battle I choose is the battle of being the victim. I will not remain in an environment that is toxic when I have the strength and determination to go else where… on my own. Embracing the honesty that I like to wonder, so this is easier for me.
I am giving this apartment to him? No, I am giving this opportunity to myself. I don’t own this place. He doesn’t own it either. We both paid even shares, and I am deciding to leave. I want to take care of myself. Yet it took my a few days to becoming content with my decision. I didn’t want to give up the place because I “did nothing wrong” but the reality is there is no such thing as being wrong. There is such a thing as a toxic environment. We can not control others… but once you’ve exhausted the option of working with them, the maybe it is time to remove them. Create a new space or continue the one you are in but on your own. Either way the important thing here is that you are in command. You can control, you will control.
Him and I have such different perspectives and personalities.
If I stayed I’d be in a different battle, a much larger battle facing judgement. A battle that quite frankly I don’t want to face yet. Sure it may come back 10X harder any day now… but it also may come up bit by bit. I’ll welcome it each time it does. I’ll be on the battle field.
I am a badass motherfucker, gonna go travel the world while he drinks himself to death in the apartment that I paid for! Shit… I am doing it again. I let my conscious guard down and the judgement comes out. The universe is giving me another opportunity right here, right now to notice my judgement. It’s a little one but it’s just as important as the rest.
He’s drinking and attaching on to other peoples personalities because he is scared to be alone. Have some empathy, I’ve been there before. That’s why it fucking pisses me off so much. Cause I carry this idea that I am now better then the persona since I know myself better. Those who live in the persona disgust me. WELL GUESS YOU TRADED IN YOUR PERSONA FOR A BIG FAT SHADOW! Congrats.
Are you sure we are still moving forward?
The most important thing I’ve learned while expanding my conscious and becoming a more compassionate human, “You first have to be the example before you can share it.”
Regardless there is only moving forward… Everything is a step in the right direction if see the opportunity for what it is. Then use it to be a better fellow human. I say it too much not to believe it. Everything happens for a reason.
